Since Saturday night I’ve been thinking (perhaps, a little too much) about self esteem; mainly mine. For the most part I’m an emotionally stable member of society, but even I have areas where I struggle.
For me it’s my own musical ability and it’s something that I’ve struggled with since I was a lot younger. Even upto A-Level I tried to avoid solo performance, always preferring group performaces. This, perhaps was a tiny problem as if you’re familiar with the A-Level syllabus it requires a solo performance that’s about equivilent of Grade 8.
And I still suffer with that today. So, I was thrown into a sense of both panic and joy when on Saturday night Si Parkin (who write’s the Chewing Pixels blog) rang asking if I could play keys for him on the Sunday. I would experience a similar ambivalence if I was asked by Andy or Martin. Why? I respect them as musicians and worship leaders. They do a great job of leading people into the presence of God and I always admire the way they get the best from the musicians with little practice.
Whilst I’m sure I have the skills I instantly put myself down and ask “why me? are there not others who are better?”
So, I turned up, set the keys up and prepared. Si had prepped a great set of worship songs, he particularly likes using old hymns in a modern context and had picked “Here Is Love, vast as the ocean” as one of his (I also have great admiration for the Traditional Hymns, see here). We practiced and worked through arrangements. Si, amongst other things is a producer so I’m guessing has a pretty good idea of how he wants things to sound and can articulate clearly with his musicians where subtle changes are needed.
Whilst I was largely happy with my playing it was nice to recieve some positive feedback. So I’ll keep struggling and fighting my self esteem.
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